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I’m a humor and satire writer whose work is published in places like The New Yorker, McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, Points in Case, and Slackjaw. I enjoy mocking performative masculinity and fitness culture among other things, and I’m a fan of nerdy wordplay, the Oxford comma, and the rule of three.
Selected Work
The New Yorker
McSweeney’s Internet Tendency
- It’s Me, Wikipedia, and I’m Ready for Your Apology
- Here at DOGE, We’ve Streamlined Every Aspect of America’s Collapse
- Brainstorming Notes of the Typical Male American Spy Novelist
- Wow, Trump Has Already Fixed So Many Problems That Definitely Existed
- Based on Our Election Forecast, We Are Completely Sure Anything Could Fucking Happen
- American Versus European Out-of-Office Replies
- Final Exam for the Class “What a Presidential Candidate Can and Cannot Survive, Apparently” Taught by Howard Dean (with Nick Morgan)
- The Mainstream Media Doesn’t Want You to Know This Thing I Just Learned From the Mainstream Media
- Everything a Barber Could Do During a Haircut Before I Speak Up (with Patrick Coyne and Jason Garramone)
- Nutritious Additions to Our Elementary School Lunch Menu That Are Definitely Not Just More Pizza (with Nick Morgan)
- My Saturday Self Versus My Sunday Self
- Predictive Texts for the Conflict-Averse (with Caitlin Kunkel)
- Airbnb Reviews of Henry David Thoreau’s Cabin
- Your Spoon Will Be Ready to Use After This Software Update
- I’ve Optimized My Health to Make My Life as Long and Unpleasant as Possible
- It’s Me, Teddy Roosevelt, and By “Man In The Arena” I Didn’t Mean You, Spencer
- Peaches the Instagram Dachshund Wants a Cut
- I Just Want to Start Lifting Weights Without Getting Red-Pilled
- A Scathing Review of Your Thirties: The Video Game
- Encounters from Dungeons and Dragons: 2020 Edition
- Standing Agenda: Family Video Chats, May 2020 to Infinity
- You Have Failed Our Dog Adoption Vetting, But Have You Considered Having a Child Instead?
- I Am a Stryker-X Assault Backpack, and This Airport Lounge Is an Insult
Points In Case
- Frequently Asked Questions About Our New AI-Powered Spaghetti
- How to Do the Perfect Squat (with Lillian Stone)
- Jesus Christ Struggles with His Imposter Syndrome
- Your Overprotective Dog’s Dispatches from the Front Lines
- FAQs About How to Give Women Unsolicited Gym Advice
- Welcome to Vitamin Shoppe, Where We Spell Words and Treat Health Like It’s 1446
- My Typical Day in Washington DC, As Imagined by Aunt Susan
- Immersion Therapy for the Pedantic
Slackjaw
- If I Investigated Real Crimes Like I Watch Murder Mysteries
- Dear Residents: Our Apartment Community Is Now A UFO Cult
- The Extreme Sports Documentary Hero’s Journey
- The Movie Trailer Ratings Writer Gives Two Weeks’ Notice
- The Old Spaghetti Factory Briefly Considers a Branding Overhaul
