Humor & Satire
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I’m a humor and satire writer whose work is published in places like McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, Points in Case, and Slackjaw. I enjoy mocking performative masculinity and fitness culture among other things, and I’m a fan of nerdy wordplay, the Oxford comma, and the rule of three.
Selected Work
McSweeney’s Internet Tendency
The Mainstream Media Doesn’t Want You to Know This Thing I Just Learned From the Mainstream Media
Everything a Barber Could Do During a Haircut Before I Speak Up (with Patrick Coyne and Jason Garramone)
Nutritious Additions to Our Elementary School Lunch Menu That Are Definitely Not Just More Pizza (with Nick Morgan)
My Saturday Self Versus My Sunday Self
Predictive Texts for the Conflict-Averse (with Caitlin Kunkel)
Airbnb Reviews of Henry David Thoreau’s Cabin
Your Spoon Will Be Ready to Use After This Software Update
I’ve Optimized My Health to Make My Life as Long and Unpleasant as Possible
It’s Me, Teddy Roosevelt, and By “Man In The Arena” I Didn’t Mean You, Spencer
Peaches the Instagram Dachshund Wants a Cut
I Just Want to Start Lifting Weights Without Getting Red-Pilled
A Scathing Review of Your Thirties: The Video Game
Encounters from Dungeons and Dragons: 2020 Edition
Standing Agenda: Family Video Chats, May 2020 to Infinity
You Have Failed Our Dog Adoption Vetting, But Have You Considered Having a Child Instead?
I Am a Stryker-X Assault Backpack, and This Airport Lounge Is an Insult
Points In Case
How to Do the Perfect Squat (with Lillian Stone)
Jesus Christ Struggles with His Imposter Syndrome
Your Overprotective Dog’s Dispatches from the Front Lines
FAQs About How to Give Women Unsolicited Gym Advice
Welcome to Vitamin Shoppe, Where We Spell Words and Treat Health Like It’s 1446
My Typical Day in Washington DC, As Imagined by Aunt Susan
Immersion Therapy for the Pedantic
Slackjaw
Dear Residents: Our Apartment Community Is Now A UFO Cult
The Extreme Sports Documentary Hero’s Journey
The Movie Trailer Ratings Writer Gives Two Weeks’ Notice
The Old Spaghetti Factory Briefly Considers a Branding Overhaul
Weekly Humorist
The Optimal Life Can Be Yours If You Have the Right Routine and Zero Obligations (with Caitlin Kunkel)
My Sleep Rider: Contractual Requirements for Sleeping at a Friend’s House After Age 35 (with Caitlin Kunkel)
A Stalker Murders Me (A Story Composed from Presidential Campaign Fundraising Emails)